Change?

I no longer recognize the young man who wrote this blog or who he exactly was. Just as quickly as he arrived, he has disappeared far from my life. That idealistic writer was willing to expose powerful thoughts that empowered his mind. Fearlessly, he wrestled with concepts far beyond his reach and understanding. He was desperately seeking the shores of peace and calm. Surrendering to the will of God; he died and left me.

At times, I feel as if I no longer have the ability to care anymore. I yearn to merely exist as an invisible entity freely coming and going as I please. No attachment to the world I see around me, I feel as though there is no more. No reason to strive, no need for wealth, no need to impress, no need to struggle, no need to understand. Perhaps we are over-thinking, over-analyzing, and over-playing our minute roles on this Earth. I am changing and in this moment I cannot help but feel disregard.

Summer has come to California, but this time it brings a chilly warmth of regret. I could have done so much. I should have helped around the house, swam, exercised, took out the dogs, done some community service, written, read, been productive, practiced improvement, ironed out my character, meditated, learned Gurmukhi. However, I have chosen to allow decay to take hold of my day. The television has become my outlet to drain the energy out of my mind, and the midday nap has become my drug of choice to escape reality. Running from life, I have realized that I have sold myself nothing but waste.

My blog must come back to life for I have hope that this may be the only way to rekindle the spirit within me that inspired so many to read what I have written. I never fully understood how much change occurs in so little time until I read a few articles from my blog that I hardly recognized as my own. I will continue to write although this time around it may be more real and less what some may want to hear. I am beginning to doubt and question many things that once stood tall and clear. I will be raising those issues and more as my mind progresses or in some cases digresses.

Sometimes it is not what you expect to become, but who you were destined to be.

Advertisements